Days 30 and 31: One month in. I wrote nothing yesterday because I came home from work and spent the night being ill. (I will spare you the Technicolor and sound effects associated with this.) Weirdly, it kick-started a memory for me. When I was about 7, I figured out that if you throw up the adults will stop fighting with one another. Inventive and disgusting all in one move. This journey of being content in the here and now, tossing out clutter and past hurts, is not a straight line for me. It’s a little more like following an unwound bit of yarn that’s been had by a cat. You follow it from room to room, forward and back. And, occasionally, you find a hair ball. Life.
I know that this journey is going to be a balancing act. First there is the responsibility to be patient with myself and not beat myself up when I fail. However, I cannot dress up avoidance and excuses in a costume and try to convince myself that I just need to be patient. Avoidance and excuses are the Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum of well–avoidance and making excuses. Ownership of my actions is unavoidable. Owning less stuff is better than organizing all of the stuff. And maybe that’s where the inner person and exterior life come face to face. Organizing my feelings and memories and experiences, making a neat list doesn’t really solve anything. Better to let them go–gaak up the mental hairball if you will. In the interior and exterior spaces, just be present with the emptiness (or is it open space?) and silence (or is it just quiet?) and the relief.