Day 64: Today there were a few more bumps in the road and a wrench I had to yank from the machinery in my effort to get things back on track. I spent some time reading Crones Don’t Whine and chewed on a passage for a while: A crone is herself. She accepts change, appreciates the good in her life, grieves for what dies or loses vitality and goes on. What she does and who she shares her life with are expressions of who she is–not her identity. When it’s time to let go of a phase of life, she can. But the truth is, she does not reinvent herself intentionally; rather by improvising and adapting to change.
If I am reading that all correctly, what Jean Shinoda Bolen is saying is that wise women live in the present and deal with what’s in the now. Smart wise women don’t make too many plans and essentially fly by the seat of their Spanx. Okay. I can see why my expectation that making changes for myself on my nifty time line is a set up for failure. No–it’s all a set up for learning. If nothing ever breaks, how do you learn to deal with broken things or broken dreams? How else would you learn how to make repairs or seek out a different route to your destination? By no means am I saying that learning something requires hard times. I’m a speak-it-into-reality person and I try to choose words carefully. A while back I started saying things like ‘I want my life lessons to come from positive experiences,’ and ‘I want to learn and grow without experiencing disasters.’ Life eased up. It all seems to go a lot better when I pay less attention to the billboards and more attention to the highway markers of life, you know?
So, I’m here. I’m letting go of the idea that it’s disruptive to have my son revolving through the house as needed. He’s working on his life. I’m working on my life and my life is good–even if I am not working on it at warp speed right now. The only one setting arbitrary deadlines is me and I am in charge of my life. I say I can change that. Letting go feels a whole lot better than the hand-wringing and griping I did last week. I have been doing fly by your personal ethics living most of my life. I got through fly by the seat of your blue jeans with no child support single parenting. Both son and daughter are figuring out their flight plans; nobody is crashing and burning. I don’t know why I expected crone transitioning to be something I could neatly map out. It IS yet another chance to improvise and adapt and generally fly by the seat of my Spanx.