Day 68: It was warm and windy outside and I invited some of that breeze into the house. I had a lazy day on the exterior. I didn’t cook. I didn’t eat much. I did take some time to visualize and breathe. I’ve heard it said that we are inhaling and exhaling the same air breathed by Buddha and Gandhi, Mother Teresa and Bette Midler. I have been thinking about relationships and personal growth and I think it’s similar. We have remarkable friendships and loves and those relationships move forward in time. Some stay, some meander off, others we cling to for too long and still others we halt. Then winds of life blow through and stir up feelings or memories and we reexamine them.
Today I thought about some of my relationships and change. My dad was a violent alcoholic. I remember coming home from some fete at school. It was my 18th birthday and my parents had forgotten it. They were arguing, it escalated and I had my dad arrested. That’s some ugly stuff. As an adult, I poked around at family stories and learned about what happened to turn a creative, thoughtful boy into a bitter, brutal man. I learned to put distance between kid-me and Dad so that as adult-me I could see Ted the person. I found compassion for kid-him and damaged adult-him. I don’t sit around massaging old wounds and trying to remember the pain. I’ve let it go.
I don’t understand why we cling to stuff and try to convince ourselves that we can change the past. It’s like going to the cemetery and arguing with bones in the ground. Bones don’t answer and you look foolish. I think a lot of being content is choosing to let go. I mean, have you ever seen anyone skipping down the street saying, “Wow! This resentment I’ve been clinging to for 10 years makes every day pure sunshine and the future a promise of goodness!”
About a year ago, an old acquaintance from high school started chatting with me on Facebook. Someone else contacted me and said, ‘She treated you like crap in high school. What’s with being all buddy-buddy?’ I remember laughing a little and feeling sad for the other person. It was simple math–45 years of time and space and life changes makes one difference. If you choose to let go. I choose to. I don’t pine for the good ole days. I want to be able to look forward to the remarkable new days that belong to adult me. Silver-haired me. Those days were blowin’ in the wind and I’m glad they are blown away. These days are swept with winds of change. These winds are scented with sage and citrus and promise. Lots of promise.