I started this in 2017 and made it 138 days.  Then my golden retriever died unexpectedly.  I don’t know if that’s a reason to stop writing but I pointed to that moment and used it as a great excuse.  And I have continued to refer to it as ‘last year’ as if 2018 never happened.  My other big dog, Baxter, died.  My daughter started pursuing a different career and my son eloped with his beautiful soul mate.  Neither one of them need me to hold their hands while crossing the street.

For years I have done this thing:  At the start of the year choose something that I want to make better about myself, read all that I can, consciously work on it, practice making it a part of life.  Peace. Clarity. Hope. Compassion. Happiness.  Last year, I set about to gain some contentment with my life.  My empty nest, divorced person, individual without a clue how to do this life.

Contentment is not all it’s cracked up to be.

I spent a lot of time making plans.  I read a lot of great advice for couples who are facing empty nest and retirement.  The women all have perfect silver chin-length bobs and some version of a twin-set.  They are drinking mimosas and carrying sensible handbags. Not one of them looks like they wept under the stars listening to Paul Simon or waved their halter-top and screamed I LOVE YOU SO MUCH at Rod Stewart.   I have never fit into that clique and never will.

I suppose, makes me uncontent or a malcontent or worse, without content to my story.  Well, hell, no.

So, I did a tarot read for myself.  That’s right.  I read tarot, deal with it. And it basically said, “What are you waiting for?  You know how to do this.  And you know how to trust yourself.”  Great, I wasted a year looking for a sign that’s not coming and the wisdom of someone else that not meant for me.  A memory wove its way through this:  Me sitting with the kids after our lives looked like scorched earth, barren desert and telling them that from here on in we’re making our own rules, creating a path even if there wasn’t one there before.  And I told them they could be anyone they wanted to be. And inner me responded with a supportive, “Well, duh.”

I’m going to talk about what I did wrong this past year. What I did learn.  But, I’m going to DO stuff.  Moving forward, even if I don’t have a map or a perfect chin-length bob.