Day 138 – This was part of my last entry on April 18th, four days after my 10 year-old golden retriever died very suddenly:
I thought he was my indulgence. He was not. He was a teacher and friend who showed me so much. The lessons are about optimism, being present, thin skinned/thick skinned, just being and letting go, remembering the future, silence and the importance of weakness. I’m going to write about this. I am going to get through it.
Each time I tried to write something here, I told myself it was too hard, that I wasn’t ready. So, I will write some details about the lessons my furry teacher brought to me.
- Be optimistic – There will be days when you are carrying a tree limb and no matter how you try, it won’t fit through the kitchen door. Don’t be upset. It’s sunny outside and you can enjoy that limb on the deck. Celebrate the fact that you figured out how to get it up a flight of stairs.
- There is no time like the present to do whatever it is you want to do–I mean, really, who is in charge of you but you? Want to play–play! Want to nap–nap! If you just taste the wind and look around you, there are so many things right here and right now that are worth your attention.
- If someone wants to get into a fight with you, think about who they are first. I mean, if you are about 10 times bigger and stronger and mellow as say…a miniature dachshund that’s gnawing on your leg, ask yourself how much damage can it really do? How long before she wears herself out? Pay as little attention as possible and eventually she’ll go on her way. But don’t let her try to bite near your eyes. You don’t have to fight. Just show her your teeth and gently remind her that her head fits in your mouth.
- You have to just be and let go. I mean sometimes you get a car ride. Could be going to the dog park. Could be going to the vet. Could be that drive-through place that has ICE CREAM! Could be a long drive or a short one. The thing is–you’re getting a car ride. Put your face out the window and just be.
- Bark when you need to. We all need to bark sometimes. The quiet that comes after always feels pretty good.
- You know what’s coming. Everybody knows that there are great times and good people and hard times and hard people. There’s not much you can do about when and where they come. Remember who you are. Remember your pack is with you.
- That’s the other thing. The pack. You might get older and slower and not able to fetch like you used to do. But your pack is there. They will lick your face and share a toy with you. They will help you figure out how to wriggle out of any cone of shame.
It was so difficult to get him into the car but I managed and the other dogs nearly knocked me down getting into the car. There was no time for leashes and collars. I drove with his head in my lap. Then he moved his head to rest it between the gear shift and the console. He turned on the radio and kept brushing his face against it, making the channels change and change and change. He grinned a dog smile for the last time. The pack followed his stretcher in and we learned that there would be no healing. I know my vet explained it to me but I didn’t hear the words. Moxie and Baxter got quiet and the vet went about doing his job. I thought, what would I want to hear in my last moments? I would want something that filled my mind with good thoughts and good memories. And so I told him things he loved to hear: You have the coldest nose ever. Are you wagging? You are the most optimistic dog ever. I love you. You are my prince. You are the best dog. You can play in the fountain all the time. Look for Dugan and Honey. Look for my Mom.
I spent the next couple of days thinking about the irony of it all. A Facebook reminder that two years earlier I had been sitting with a woman whose dog had just been euthanized. How I finally understood Snow White’s ode to perfect, unconditional love. Someday my Prince will come. Someday I’ve fine pure love. Nobody told me he would have floppy ears and drool. How the next day a small, loud plane got my attention outside as it drew a smile face in the sky over Table Mountain. I saw it and thought, no. No really? You’re still a comfort to my soul. You let me know you made it home safely.