Days 93-96: There are a number of things I could say about the past few days. It’s easy enough to say that I spent most of the week thinking about last weekend and being in a space and with people around whom I could simply be myself. It felt freeing and powerful and all week I felt like I was testing the limits of my skin wanting to just be more myself every day. It felt untruthful and weak because I realized how much time I spend all week being unable to be myself. I know I am not unique in this. I’m pretty sure that most of us have the various faces we wear for the benefit of the workplace or the professional situation, the casual setting. We work so hard at pleasing others that being ourselves becomes a guilty pleasure, a hobby, or worse–something we hide.
I am not content about this.
Am I ready to face the possible outcomes of expressing my authentic self and authentic thoughts here? There is the excitement of stepping off into the unknown to figure out where it is fall or fly. There’s the fear that it will be met with silence. No, that’s not right. If people read what I have to say and say ‘pbfffft’ to it, I’m good with that. I wonder what the reaction of people who have known me in other places and times in life will be. Nonetheless, if the choices are backward, forward, or stagnate; I must choose forward. Doing 63 looking in the rear view mirror doesn’t work.